I have never been able to kick my nicotine addiction. I'm always either smoking or trying to quit. Except I never really try that hard. Instead of quitting smoking, what I've actually done is replaced cigarettes with nicotine patches that I supplement with the occassional cigarette. And if I feel like getting back into full on smoker mode, I just stop wearing the patch for a week or two. Then get back on it.

I think what the patch has done for me is actually worse than what would've happened to me without it. Not only is it a crutch (actually more like a cane) that helps me get through withdrawl, but it's an artificial "out" that lets me allow myself to smoke whenever I please -- because it'll be easy to quit; just get on the patch! And surely, I tell myself, being on the patch all the time is better than smoking every day.

Without the patch, I'd either still be smoking a pack+ a day towards inevitable death, or would have tried quitting several times before (hopefully) succeeding to slow down in my approach to inevitable death. Right now, I'm in this middle ground where I'm not a real smoker, and I'm not a real quitter, and I have no idea what my death stats are.

I think part of my problem is I have an inflated and false sense that I am safer from the cancer causing effects of smoking than most other smokers. Because I work out regularly, because there is no family history, because other people in my family smoke. I'm not afraid of it. The more dangerous and risky a drug is, the easier it is to use the fact that you don't want to die as the impetus to quit for good and never look back. An overdose is immediate, and guaranteed if you overindulge. Overindulge in cigarettes and maybe you'll get diarrhea and a bad stomach cramp and headache (I'm making those symptoms up). Dying from cigarettes takes time. Too long to be a deterrent.

I read this article the other day about how most mouth and throat cancers have decreased as expected with the reduced rates of smoking. Except for those at the base of the tongue and tonsils. They think it's caused by HPV (the genital warts virus). Now, if you had to choose, would you want to tell your mother you had throat cancer from a) giving head or b) smoking? Ding, ding ding! I choose smoking -- it's the best of both worlds (interpret that how you will ;)