I was emailing a friend of mine the other day and he told me to appreciate the fact that I'd had my mom for as long as I did. And I thought to myself, it wasn't nearly long enough. But his mother committed suicide when he was just a few years old and I felt like an insensitive whiner for going on and on about my mom. Another good friend of mine lost his mom at a very young age, too, and for some reason when I lost my mom, I forgot all about these other folks who've lost their moms, too.

I was lucky to have her for as long as I did. I wish I'd known her better; I always thought I eventually would, but I took it for granted. Just like I took for granted having my mom at all. The rawness of the loss has healed over a bit. And even going through and organizing her things isn't so difficult and I manage to do a little every day, but every now and again I find something that feels so intimate and revealing and it takes my breath away. Yesterday it was a wooden box full of quarters she collected and I pictured her putting quarters into it and it breathed life into her in my imagination. It's probably the hardest thing now -- imagining her doing very specific things and feeling her living in my head for a moment. But it's a nice thing, too.

I couldn't get on as well as I have if it weren't for my sister. I think about her all the time. I mean I'm living with her, too, but I worry and think about her all the time anyway. I think about how sweet and generous she can be and what a rotten sister I've been. She sent me this photo the other day:

Mom. Korea.

I don't know who all those children are, but she looks so young and has the most beautiful smile in this photo. I worry about my sister living here all alone when I leave. But hopefully that won't be for at least a little while, so I'll worry about it then.

I still feel like hell. I'm so conjested that sometimes my head feels like it's in a vise. Just turning or nodding my head hurts. I worked today for a little bit, but didn't make it much past 2pm. Then I slept until dinner time. And I'm ready for sleep yet again.