We celebrated Josh's birthday today, a few days early. Our first celebration without my mom. We invited a close aunt and uncle and they stopped by, but couldn't stay. My grief is nothing compared to my aunt's. She can't even come over to the house without difficulty because it was my mom's house. She was visiting grandma yesterday and sighted a pair of my mom's shoes and those sent her into tears. And seeing her sobbing started me going, too.

I've been thinking lately how it's gotten so much easier. How I don't cry at night anymore thinking about her. And when I do think about her, the sadness doesn't stay with me as long, and I think I'm afraid I'm going to lose her, to forget her, and forget what she meant to me. I'm afraid of going back to Mountain View because at least here, I'm always surrounded by her. Distance always makes me forget and I don't want that to happen.

I've been so sick lately. I woke up Friday with the mother of all sore throats and I don't feel too physically owful, but my throat is killing me and I'm sneezing and congested. It feels more like a bad allergy attack than a virus. And if I don't keep drinking hot water to ease my throat, I feel like I'm dying of thirst.

We keep putting off going to visit the car and talking to the investigator. And calling the mortuary about the incorrect death certificates. It's no longer that I can't bear to do these things, but if I keep putting it off, maybe I just won't have to. But that's the runner away in me; that's too easy. Tomorrow. I'll probably call in sick so tomorrow. I'll call.