Sometimes I think to myself it's not fair. Then immediately refute it, because what's fair? It is fair my sister has the physical problems of someone twice her age? Is it fair my crazy fucking ****** didn't managed to kill himself when he wanted to but my mom died in an accident? Is it fair I have a car and a job and a roof over my head? The world and life don't exactly balance out.

Sometimes I think about god and faith. It's times like this that try the non-believer cause it would be so nice to believe my mom was in heaven hanging out with god. Or to believe in any sort of warm and fuzzy afterlife. A friend of mine told me he believed in god because he couldn't believe we spent our lives connecting with other people and that there wasn't anything else afterwards. But I think it's the connections that keep us here on earth. Why would anyone want to continue living if there weren't connections tying us down? Or propping us up?

I was telling someone today how all I blog about anymore is my mom, and how boring that must be for an outsider. How much of someone else's grief can you possibly listen to? I keep telling myself I'm going to blog about something in a category other than grief, but I can't seem to free up the brain cycles to do it yet. I've been reading the news, thinking about my future, but neither of these seem to warrant the attention my mother does.

Mom, me, dad, and my cousin in red with my Aunt holding him at my dad's graduation in 1974. Korea.