When an alcoholic and drug addict asks if you want to share vodka with him, say no. I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I said yes. What a moron. Feeling sorry for someone and trying to help doesn't actually mean you're helping. Some things you just can't help with. Frank says he wishes he could do more for me and I tell him he's doing the best he can possibly do and that he can't really do anything more for me. But I know he feels useless. I think he's being supportive and wonderful and I couldn't ask for more, but I know what's it's like to feel helpless while you're watching someone suffer.

I couldn't help my mom when she was so lonely and sad. I wish I'd called her more and had come down to see her more, but that wouldn't really have helped her. She had to find her own way and I think she was starting to before she died. In the very beginning when I couldn't stop crying and hurting, I needed an explanation and I thought maybe the god she believed in looked into her future and saw she'd just keep suffering and took her away. I realize now that isn't true. She had wonderful things awaiting her. She was learning patience and acceptance. She was going to get another chance at the thing she'd hoped and prayed for so hard when she died. If there was a god, I'd say he was spiting her, but that's not true either. She just had an accident, and she left us all behind.

I continue to have my on and off moments. The early part of the week was hard. Thursday was a hard day. I had my son with me this weekend and he was a distraction. I am emotionally drained. My energy levels are low and I can't seem to get enough strength up to do virtually anything. I think I've killed two of my three baby ferns -- the baby ferns I've been tending for months and months. I forget to water the plants. I forget to do most of the things I set out to do. I keep neglecting the things I need to do related to my mom's death and accident -- I just can't get up the energy to do these things and keep putting them off, one more day.

Dad, me, grandma, Jess, and mom. About 1979.