I haven't seen my grandmother all week. She's been sick and everyone's been afraid coming to the services, to our house, to the grave, would be too much for her. My uncle says sometimes she seems far away, then she comes back to and is distraught. They go out to search for her and she's way at the back of her property, feeling her grief. I feel so sad for her, but I have my own grief and I don't know how to help her. This is the fourth child she's lost. She's 97. I thought I'd have my mom for another forty years to love her and make her proud of me. I thought I'd have her until I grew old. I thought it was plenty of time for us to grow closer, to get to know each other better. I thought she'd always be there for me. I don't know how to deal with this. What am I supposed to be doing?

I'm home now and alone again for the first time in over a week. I feel lost when I'm alone. I can't figure out what I'm supposed to be doing. I babied my plants when I first got home before Frank left. And after he left, alone for the first time in ages, I cried, then pulled myself off the couch and tried to figure out what I should be doing. I dug through old photo albums and cried over them. I don't have enough photos of her. I've been such a selfish child. I dragged out the graduation purse she gave me after college. The gift I thought was so impractical. I haven't seen it for ages; it seems to suit me more than I once thought it did. I can't find the jammies she bought me for Christmas. I've been wanting to wear them and I don't understand where I could have possibly put them. I can't find them anywhere and it's drivng me nuts.

Today, I went to my aunt and uncle's church. My aunts and uncles have been so wonderful and so helpful. This aunt and uncle arranged the pastor for the church service and the reception meals after both services. I don't think I could've handled arranging all that. My aunt's going to help with the Thank You cards for the church members. We had lunch with them after the service. It was in Korean. I didn't understand it, but they were warm and welcoming.

We had a picnic at my mom's grave today. It's tradition to gather at the grave three days after the funeral. The funeral was Friday. I guess they count the day of the funeral as one of the days. I miss her. I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow. It seems so meaningless.

Mom in Korea, 1969

The OC Register obituary notice for Sharon Ahn (login familynews/familynews). I swear we looked on the 24th, but didn't see it. Jess found it the other day.

Thursday and Friday went by in whirl. I didn't get anything done on Thursday that I wanted to. All that hunting for a photo and scanning images turned out to be for naught because after all that, I ended up not having time to print them out after running some errands and trying to get ready to go to the mortuary by 4:30. I didn't end up making her a card or writing her the letter I wanted to, either. We got there 2 hours before the visitation service so we could see my mom beforehand and see how she looked. I rushed to the casket and immediately started bawling. It was harder to see her made up and dressed up than it was on either Monday or Tuesday. They did an amazing make up job, but she still didn't quite look like herself.

Friday was no better. The funeral service was at noon and I wanted to get there by at least 11AM so I could spend more time with her, but we barely made it by 11:30 and I couldn't leave her side. Thursday night, it was seeing her looking unbroken, and Friday, it was the thought of never, ever being able to see her physical form -- like this or any other way -- again. Not ever. I was so sick on Friday morning, I couldn't stomach the coffee and banana I tried to have. And during the service, after bawling at her casket for half an hour, I felt so sick, I thought I'd pass out. I was trying desperately to get a candy out of its wrapper quietly so I could get a little sugar in me, but gave up after a minute of wrassling with it.

Today, Mike and Marg made us all a big breakfast, and then they took off back to northern California, and eight of us went to go see my mom's grave. Uncle BK said they'd told him yesterday they were going to cover it with all the flowers that'd been at the service, and it was beautiful.

Mom's grave at Pacific View Memorial Park, day after funeral services

The last couple of nights -- Thursday & Friday nights, have been just friends at the house. My friends drove down from northern Cal, and Jess had Amy and Doug, and it was a nice break from the family -- because it was a nice break from so much grieving. Our friends have been so sweet and supportive -- it made those nights tolerable to get through. I have the best friends in the world.

I have my on and off moments. Sometimes the sadness overwhelms me, and sometimes I'm not sure what to do about it. I can keep myself busy or I can cry doing any number of things -- staring at her photo, staring at her bed, staring at the photos near her bed, staring at her office, staring at her clothes, towels, books, her garden, virtually anything else in her house. But I always manage to pull through the sadness. Frank and I had a long talk tonight -- it was nice to be able to chat together. It's been so busy this week, he's been really supportive, but I feel like I haven't spent much time with him. And this week has been so sad and busy, I haven't even mentioned that we got back together after New Year's, sometime shortly before my mother passed away. She thought we were going to be married; she always wanted to see me get married.