jesus, i feel like i haven't had a deep thought in a long time. i don't read anymore, i don't work the long hours i used to, i don't write or blog, i don't work out. it's like i don't have the drive to push myself to do anything. or enjoy anything. i do just enough and that's it.

i haven't felt quite like myself in a long time. in a very long time. and i think i know why, but i keep shuffling it away. telling myself it'll get better on its own. give it some time. i'll sort it out.

i was thinking how you can be brilliant and still be a jackass. being brilliant doesn't give you insight into other people. nor does it necessarily increase one's empathic abilities, or tolerance, or patience. how arrogance and intelligence seem to go hand in hand for some people. excuse me, do you know you're being a prick? probably not -- being brilliant doesn't necessarily mean you know anything about yourself either. i know lots of really smart people who aren't assholes -- i just hate hearing stories about the ones that are.

i rode past two dead racoons on sand hill today. they must've been hit while crossing the road together not too long before i passed them -- they clean up roadkill pretty quickly around these parts. one was on the side of the road and the other was in the middle of the lane. the boyfriend was riding his motorcycle home for the first time and i was afraid he was going to hit the one on the road. i could see the rings on their tails and it made me feel worse. it's easier to see a dead animal that you can't identify, or is smashed so bad you can barely make it out, or so destroyed and damaged it no longer looks real. it's the roadkill that doesn't look like roadkill that makes me want to cry. because they still look so alive, and you know they're not, but so recently were.