| Inking Metallic Patterns; Cheaper RFID Tags | 11:19 AM |
Interesting article about an ink produced by QinetiQ and Sun Chemical that allows you to draw patterns and "grow" metal. Useful, of course, for RFID tags. It's supposed to be cheaper, faster, and more environment friendly. RFID Journal article; QinetiQ press release.
| Monster, The Not Very Lighthearted Movie | 2:14 AM |
The three of us had a nice dinner together and watched Monster (we did manage to get out of the house today and run a couple of errands: tv browsing and grocery shopping). What a sad fucking movie. I've had a rough day and it just made me think about how complex our emotions are. How one emotion bleeds into another and sometimes our motives for doing something or feeling something don't seem to make sense, but if you look carefully enough, they do.
And I've been feeling really human and vulnerable today. Sad and angry and frustrated about the way I'm feeling, and physically unwell to top it off and exacerbate it. And I know why I feel this way, not just at a quick glance, but on a deeper level, but I don't know how to fix it. All I can do is ride it out; wait for time to do its thing.
I've become a terrible communicator with friends and family -- I'm out of touch a lot. I haven't called my mother in weeks and weeks. I don't call my sister if she doesn't initiate it. Same with my son. It takes me days, sometimes weeks to respond to emails. With my friends it's just because I have so little time for myself, but I'm not talking to my family because I don't want to feel the way I did watching Monster -- heart full of sympathy and empathy and intense sadness, but such debilitating frustration, too, because nothing you can do is going to fix anything for anyone. You can't stop the course of some things. You just have to wait and watch them happen.
I can't take my mother's heartbreak. I can't take my sister's pain, my son missing me. I haven't spoken to my father in months because I can't bear the thought of what I'd say to him -- what I should say to him. I can't bear to think of him at all because I can't stand what he's doing. And I feel like I'm running away. Pushing people aside to clear my path. Why can't I deal with things? How'd I ever become so fragile? Jealousy, hurt, anger, sadness -- all a big jumble, all one emotion.
And maybe this is why I always want to go. Moving on always means leaving someone or something behind. Cleaning house means you purge yourself of emotions you once had. Learn to live without. And I don't think that's a bad thing -- if your reasons for doing it are valid. But try quantifying valid, and you'll see what I mean.
When I go, you don't get to keep that real estate in my heart; I need it cleared up for something else.
| Drunk | 1:42 AM |
Why do I do this to myself? Every time I get drunk I tell myself that I will never do this again. But I often don't know that I'm going to be sick until it's too late. It's not as gradual a process as I wish it were -- sometimes it is and then I can refrain from getting ill, but sometimes I can't tell. Like Saturday night. I had two beers, a couple of shots of jägermeister, and a few sips of Johnnie Walker. So four drinks over the course of three hours. You'd think I'd be fine, right? Got drunk and sentimental last night, don't really remember how I got into the house (luckily Marg and Ineke took care of that), sat with my head on the toilet for a while when I made it to the bathroom, then passed out in my bed with all my clothes on. I woke up the next morning -- Ineke had not only put a clip in my hair while I was hugging the toilet, but also laid out a clean towel, brought in a stool and set a glass of water on it, and put a small trashcan right by my head. So thoughtful and sweet -- and she managed to do all that while intoxicated as well!
I got up early cause I was starving and couldn't fall back asleep. I made myself my usual breakfast -- carrot sticks, grapefruit, toast, plain yogurt, and since I was so terribly hungry -- a fried egg for protein. Except the egg made me nauseous. And all I wanted was the sweet grapefruit. I went and laid on the couch afterwards because I didn't feel like I could do anything else and thought of all the things I wanted to do today -- ride my bike, run some errands, go to the gym, and thought pleasantly about how early it was in the day to be up and how much day I was going to have. I went into the living room because I thought I'd watch a movie or some tv while I recuperated, but as I way lying there I couldn't bear the thought of turning the tv on. And it was all I could do to not move and risk putting any pressure on any part of my body that might possibly make me nauseaus. I lay there for half an hour before giving up and going to bed thinking that I'd at least peruse my Latin book and get started on that and try to feel useful. Except I grabbed my German books and promptly fell asleep.
To wake up four hours later, near 2PM, feeling as shitty as I did earlier. Starving again, head woozy, tummy sensitive, and a lot less hopeful of accomplishing anything today.
Ugh. Must remember to eat lots of food with alcohol. Lots of food. I got to the party last night with an empty stomach, but no appetite so all I did was nibble on a plate. I don't think anything I ate soaked up any alcohol because it leeched me dry and saturated my bloodstream.
